Personal blog... personal blog... oh personal blog... LOL, I'm talking to myself again. well, nothing much again, but yeah... haiz, lately didn't talk with lots of people.... I mean like 1 on 1 talk. Hahaha... I'm being left out again *cheers*, back to the place where I came from, where I drown, with all my sorrows, and feel that the walls is closing in, sealing u inside the torment of loneliness, and at the end, no one would even notice, you exist. Yes, I admit, I'm useless, I'm a useless, stupid, ignorant, crybaby, fucked up, no good son of a bitch, idiotic bastard. I cant even tell her how I feel... I cant even open a goddam topic now! every time I see her online msn, I would like, pretend she's offline, busy and all... WHY??!!! WHY??!!!!! I FREAKING HATE MYSELF, how I wish I could change myself... everything about myself... I can't joke, my personality isn't good... I can't even make her smile... can't see her smile. her face... everything.... just catches my breath away... and here I am... runting everything... I know, I'm selfish too, I remember that, would I be like that... if not for I have really fallen in love.
To see another girl in my sight is meaningless... but to look at you, means thousands to me... I keep remembering that day... dreaming about it.... just cant... stop. I probably am embarrassing myself.... No, I am indeed, but ... no1 else read this.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
What it is to live
He walked through the door a tear in his eye
He lifted his sleeve and wiped it dry
He took a deep breath and stepped into the room
He closed his eyes he saw the gloom
She was there so very quiet and still
She seemed as though she was never ill
He slowly walked closer to her
The few weeks before became a blur
He reached out for her small white hand
Held it tight but could not understand
He took his ring placed it on her chain
Took his sleeve and wiped his eyes again
He slowly sat on the small white chair
Put out his hand and touched her hair
So perfect and blonde so long and neat
Without you I am incomplete
He whispered, I love you in her ear
Although you're gone you're always here
And at that moment his hand moved from her hair
To his heart you're always there
He slowly stood up and again took her hand
Things were clear he could now understand
Even if she wasn't there with him
Inside his heart could never be dim
He placed her hand down by her side
Her imprint she left so deep inside
For the last time he softly kissed her
Still her body did not stir
He turned to walk toward the door
Then turned back to look once more
Her new small ring shone in the light
He closed the door she had lost her fight
And as surely as he said that day
In his heart she will always stay
You are more than just a friend
I Told You This Once,
Yes I'll Tell You Again.
You Mean The World To Me,
You're More Than A Friend.
No Matter What Happens,
I'll Always Be There.
Through Thick And Thin,
I'll Always Care.
I Try To Put In Words,
The Way You Make Me Feel Inside.
I'm Sorry I Can't Help The Way,
My Feelings Sometimes Hide.
My Feelings Haven't Changed,
At All From The Start.
I Love You More Then Anything,
With All Of My Heart.
I'll make you a promise,
If your promise me too.
That we'll be together forever,
And our love will stay true.
My love for you is ever lasting,
Never will it end.
Hopefully by now you've realized,
You're more than just a friend.
GOD HELP ME, I'm really crazy in poems zzz
on what occasion, should I be in, and what would I choose now. to be or not to be with... to choose... or not to choose... really confused, damn. okay, I make it short, since I'm having a head injury due to.... *dont laugh* I fall down in my toilet, head 1st on the cement. OKAY, I'm off
Signing out
Gary aka teddy bear
He walked through the door a tear in his eye
He lifted his sleeve and wiped it dry
He took a deep breath and stepped into the room
He closed his eyes he saw the gloom
She was there so very quiet and still
She seemed as though she was never ill
He slowly walked closer to her
The few weeks before became a blur
He reached out for her small white hand
Held it tight but could not understand
He took his ring placed it on her chain
Took his sleeve and wiped his eyes again
He slowly sat on the small white chair
Put out his hand and touched her hair
So perfect and blonde so long and neat
Without you I am incomplete
He whispered, I love you in her ear
Although you're gone you're always here
And at that moment his hand moved from her hair
To his heart you're always there
He slowly stood up and again took her hand
Things were clear he could now understand
Even if she wasn't there with him
Inside his heart could never be dim
He placed her hand down by her side
Her imprint she left so deep inside
For the last time he softly kissed her
Still her body did not stir
He turned to walk toward the door
Then turned back to look once more
Her new small ring shone in the light
He closed the door she had lost her fight
And as surely as he said that day
In his heart she will always stay
You are more than just a friend
I Told You This Once,
Yes I'll Tell You Again.
You Mean The World To Me,
You're More Than A Friend.
No Matter What Happens,
I'll Always Be There.
Through Thick And Thin,
I'll Always Care.
I Try To Put In Words,
The Way You Make Me Feel Inside.
I'm Sorry I Can't Help The Way,
My Feelings Sometimes Hide.
My Feelings Haven't Changed,
At All From The Start.
I Love You More Then Anything,
With All Of My Heart.
I'll make you a promise,
If your promise me too.
That we'll be together forever,
And our love will stay true.
My love for you is ever lasting,
Never will it end.
Hopefully by now you've realized,
You're more than just a friend.
GOD HELP ME, I'm really crazy in poems zzz
on what occasion, should I be in, and what would I choose now. to be or not to be with... to choose... or not to choose... really confused, damn. okay, I make it short, since I'm having a head injury due to.... *dont laugh* I fall down in my toilet, head 1st on the cement. OKAY, I'm off
Signing out
Gary aka teddy bear
Monday, April 26, 2010
Poemetic
Loneliness
Smile my heart smile.
You will see loneliness
Nowhere.
***
Do not blame Heaven
And do not blame earth
For your loneliness.
You are travelling the ways of loneliness
Because your mind has not tried to conquer
The darkness of frustration-frown.
***
A doubting mind
Is forced to live
In the prison of loneliness.
***
When our self-offering
Comes to the fore,
Loneliness
Is bound to disappear.
***
My world-oneness-heart
Is a perfect stranger
To loneliness.
***
another poem.
My Heart Aches
My heart aches when I talk to you
My heart aches when I don’t hear from you
My heart aches when I long for you
I don’t know why
You’ve taken over my thoughts
I can’t explain
You’re still a stranger
Far away
I want you close by
I miss your embrace
Holding you close
My heart aches
I miss you!
Poems poems poems.... Idk why I'm beginning to love poems, maybe its just to fill up the time that I have, to save me from utter boringness. HAHA!! look at me, poetic, yeah rrriiiggghhhttttt. And yeah, I just write all these from the bottom of my heart, wow, jiwang guy *emo guy*. thats what Jacky said to me, *JIWANG*! Funny, yesterday Peterich ask me to help him on dating tip. *wtf? I never dated, I never had a GF, why he ask me?* well, I end up giving him some advice... *although I'm really bad with it, but yeah.* tell him what to and not to do, all those basics dating tips, simple, but effective, yeah... all those talks with him reminds me of the past, the mistakes I made, and the actions I would do, but have no guts to do it... HAIX... well no point on regretting the past now... I still do, but ... yeah, ANOTHER POEM!!!
I miss you because...
I miss you because once you were here in my life, and now you're not.
I miss you because I know that I'm going to be okay without you, even if I forgot.
I miss you when something good happens to me, because I can no longer share it with you.
I miss you because you were the biggest part of my life, that much I know is true.
You were my angel, always protecting me from those who could do me wrong.
Since you, my friend, are no longer here how am I supposed to go on?
Signing out,
Gary aka teddy bear * will always be ... yours *
Smile my heart smile.
You will see loneliness
Nowhere.
***
Do not blame Heaven
And do not blame earth
For your loneliness.
You are travelling the ways of loneliness
Because your mind has not tried to conquer
The darkness of frustration-frown.
***
A doubting mind
Is forced to live
In the prison of loneliness.
***
When our self-offering
Comes to the fore,
Loneliness
Is bound to disappear.
***
My world-oneness-heart
Is a perfect stranger
To loneliness.
***
another poem.
My Heart Aches
My heart aches when I talk to you
My heart aches when I don’t hear from you
My heart aches when I long for you
I don’t know why
You’ve taken over my thoughts
I can’t explain
You’re still a stranger
Far away
I want you close by
I miss your embrace
Holding you close
My heart aches
I miss you!
Poems poems poems.... Idk why I'm beginning to love poems, maybe its just to fill up the time that I have, to save me from utter boringness. HAHA!! look at me, poetic, yeah rrriiiggghhhttttt. And yeah, I just write all these from the bottom of my heart, wow, jiwang guy *emo guy*. thats what Jacky said to me, *JIWANG*! Funny, yesterday Peterich ask me to help him on dating tip. *wtf? I never dated, I never had a GF, why he ask me?* well, I end up giving him some advice... *although I'm really bad with it, but yeah.* tell him what to and not to do, all those basics dating tips, simple, but effective, yeah... all those talks with him reminds me of the past, the mistakes I made, and the actions I would do, but have no guts to do it... HAIX... well no point on regretting the past now... I still do, but ... yeah, ANOTHER POEM!!!
I miss you because...
I miss you because once you were here in my life, and now you're not.
I miss you because I know that I'm going to be okay without you, even if I forgot.
I miss you when something good happens to me, because I can no longer share it with you.
I miss you because you were the biggest part of my life, that much I know is true.
You were my angel, always protecting me from those who could do me wrong.
Since you, my friend, are no longer here how am I supposed to go on?
Signing out,
Gary aka teddy bear * will always be ... yours *
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I do not love you except because I love you
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
Maybe, definitely...
Well, now its lunch time.. and I'm enjoying my cup of noodle... although I dont really like it that much, what to write 2day... ahh yes...
Sth is really wrong inside me... Idk what the hell is it, but I somehow can feel it... bad omen ahead... They say when your legs hurt, that would be a bad sign *old man stories*, but yeah... idk... yesterday I couldn't sleep, my leg hurt so badly its like... some1 slicing and pulling your legs off slowly... torturing u.. I cant give the real picture... urgh.. idk how long did I scream that night, awake on my bed, begging to God, "Pls... release me from my pain... just kill me already!!" after awhile... point blank, everything gone dark... I thought that I'm gone from this world... walls begin to close in on me, total darkness takes over, and silence is the only thing that u will hear. But yet.. here I am still alive. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but if u were in my shoes, u would think twice about it.
nothing much to write right? ... well a song then
Kelly Clarkson - My life would suck without you
Guess this means you’re sorry
You’re standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
What you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back
But here you are again
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight
I know that I’ve got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too
Anyway, I found out I’m nothing without you
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you, but I can’t let go
Oh yeah
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Signing out,
Gary aka teddy bear
Sth is really wrong inside me... Idk what the hell is it, but I somehow can feel it... bad omen ahead... They say when your legs hurt, that would be a bad sign *old man stories*, but yeah... idk... yesterday I couldn't sleep, my leg hurt so badly its like... some1 slicing and pulling your legs off slowly... torturing u.. I cant give the real picture... urgh.. idk how long did I scream that night, awake on my bed, begging to God, "Pls... release me from my pain... just kill me already!!" after awhile... point blank, everything gone dark... I thought that I'm gone from this world... walls begin to close in on me, total darkness takes over, and silence is the only thing that u will hear. But yet.. here I am still alive. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but if u were in my shoes, u would think twice about it.
nothing much to write right? ... well a song then
Kelly Clarkson - My life would suck without you
Guess this means you’re sorry
You’re standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
What you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back
But here you are again
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight
I know that I’ve got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too
Anyway, I found out I’m nothing without you
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you, but I can’t let go
Oh yeah
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Signing out,
Gary aka teddy bear
Friday, April 16, 2010
Office time
Wow, office hour is really a drag sometimes, and yeah, it maybe hard, but sometimes, I just got nth to do in the office zzz.
Tuesday was boys day out *instead of boys night out*, went out with Adrian, Ferik and Tay. It all went well, and yeah, I'm good with ferik alreadi, I have no issues with him, but I also dk why I ignored my best friend from the beginning... yeah. The best news I heard so far... Adrian and Ferik are back together as friends, haha! to some it may not mean something, but best friends together again? thats something good. Here's the funny part, when they all went to my house *NO GAY BUSINESS, SO PLS, dont even think about it* we ate, talk, and they took bath, after that we went to 1b enjoy lo, when I come back, Ferik called me and stated he left his clothes in my brother's bathroom??!! WTF!! clothes with underwear again that?! if girl, nvm la... *sei ham sap lou le me zzz* XD if guys, omg thats so wrong zzz...
Omg, what is wrong with me, am I doing the right thing... or the wrong thing, idk, idk what I'm doing... I feel really confused at some stuffs... its like the walls are closing on me again, stuffing me in with nothing in it... I've been very lonely from the day I was born, to the day of Form 3. lonely for 15 years... wow, *wat I mean by lonely is the emptiness inside of me* well, now its a little different, but still... haiz..
Signing off,
Gary
Tuesday was boys day out *instead of boys night out*, went out with Adrian, Ferik and Tay. It all went well, and yeah, I'm good with ferik alreadi, I have no issues with him, but I also dk why I ignored my best friend from the beginning... yeah. The best news I heard so far... Adrian and Ferik are back together as friends, haha! to some it may not mean something, but best friends together again? thats something good. Here's the funny part, when they all went to my house *NO GAY BUSINESS, SO PLS, dont even think about it* we ate, talk, and they took bath, after that we went to 1b enjoy lo, when I come back, Ferik called me and stated he left his clothes in my brother's bathroom??!! WTF!! clothes with underwear again that?! if girl, nvm la... *sei ham sap lou le me zzz* XD if guys, omg thats so wrong zzz...
Omg, what is wrong with me, am I doing the right thing... or the wrong thing, idk, idk what I'm doing... I feel really confused at some stuffs... its like the walls are closing on me again, stuffing me in with nothing in it... I've been very lonely from the day I was born, to the day of Form 3. lonely for 15 years... wow, *wat I mean by lonely is the emptiness inside of me* well, now its a little different, but still... haiz..
Signing off,
Gary
Friday, April 9, 2010
LOL
Don't really have much to write... cause it's totally, freaking, boring these days -.-".
Anyway... I made all the training on my driving lesson alreadi, now awaiting for qtp test *or so its spell like this.* Then, I can go for JPJ test lu. If I pass, have to wait for 1 month, then get the P license -.-" dam.... close to May already, suprising how time flies without knowing it, and here I thought school life is crap, life in the office and home, its just dam boring. Haiz... I'm losing friends, just like Jacky said... "friends come and go", okay, everyone knows that -.-" slowly, they'll just, flow away, like the wind, flowing around u always, but it will be gone, and even u feel the wind blowing towards u again, its not the same.
Just when I came back from sandakan, I feel that things have changed, not the structure or surroundings... but that feeling, the flow, it's gone. Empty. I just can't explain how I feel... Urgh, how useless am I... Everytime I wake up, my chest feels heavy. If life was so simple... I would do anything, but you and I know that life is not simple at all, unless, we work hard for it. Yeah, and, when my cousins, nephew, niece, aunty, uncle, all of them la, ask me *You got gf or not? dont lie to me ah, I know u have 1 de* I give them 1 simple answer, *wait till 20 years 1st, then I tell u*. which... I plan to be single, haha, I actually never dated, never had a gf, but I felt 1st love and now. It's gone. Hmm.. my options are still open, but... see la, go with the flow, Maybe I'll stay single for life lu~ haha
Peace out and Signing off.
Gary
Anyway... I made all the training on my driving lesson alreadi, now awaiting for qtp test *or so its spell like this.* Then, I can go for JPJ test lu. If I pass, have to wait for 1 month, then get the P license -.-" dam.... close to May already, suprising how time flies without knowing it, and here I thought school life is crap, life in the office and home, its just dam boring. Haiz... I'm losing friends, just like Jacky said... "friends come and go", okay, everyone knows that -.-" slowly, they'll just, flow away, like the wind, flowing around u always, but it will be gone, and even u feel the wind blowing towards u again, its not the same.
Just when I came back from sandakan, I feel that things have changed, not the structure or surroundings... but that feeling, the flow, it's gone. Empty. I just can't explain how I feel... Urgh, how useless am I... Everytime I wake up, my chest feels heavy. If life was so simple... I would do anything, but you and I know that life is not simple at all, unless, we work hard for it. Yeah, and, when my cousins, nephew, niece, aunty, uncle, all of them la, ask me *You got gf or not? dont lie to me ah, I know u have 1 de* I give them 1 simple answer, *wait till 20 years 1st, then I tell u*. which... I plan to be single, haha, I actually never dated, never had a gf, but I felt 1st love and now. It's gone. Hmm.. my options are still open, but... see la, go with the flow, Maybe I'll stay single for life lu~ haha
Peace out and Signing off.
Gary
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